July ’08 Preview Reviews: Marvel (Part 2)

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Do you think when Stan Lee, Jack Kirby, Steve Ditko and the others were creating the Marvel Universe, they ever sat back and thought to themselves, “Man, I really hope someday there’s an electronic information sharing system so that two idiots, a thousand miles apart, can sit around and mock the sincere efforts of hardworking creators trying their best to uphold our legacies”?

I like to think they thought just that, and someone agress with me.

Goki: YES

Here it is, folks, the end of the line for July Preview Reviews. We hope you enjoy it, and join us next month/never again for another installment!

Once again, that beautiful link is http://www.comicbookresources.com/?page=article&id=15993. Hope you’re keeping track of your score as you play along at home; first prize is a copy of Will Smith’s “Big Willie Style,” autographed by Spiffy and AA!

X-FACTOR #33
Written by PETER DAVID
Pencils by LARRY STROMAN
Cover by BOO COOK
Secret Invasion tie-in! A She-Hulk crossover! Darwin and Longshot show up! New cover artist, Boo Cook! New interior artist, Larry Stroman! And…oh yeah…X-Factor’s new digs! What do we have to do, put it in your hands ourselves?!

MrStanza (8:11:30 PM): Well, Marvel really needs to stop the rhetorical questions like that at the end of their ads

spiffygy (8:11:53 PM): haha thats almost a plea

MrStanza (8:12:03 PM): But some good things here, though I hate to see PAD have to write for another crossover

spiffygy (8:12:03 PM): Wow thats sweet that Darwin shows up

MrStanza (8:12:15 PM): 1. Longshot, the mullet king

spiffygy (8:12:16 PM): BOO Cook?! i dont know him, but sweet

MrStanza (8:12:30 PM): 2. Yeah, anyone named Boo MUST be good

MrStanza (8:12:44 PM): 3. She-Hulk is hot?

spiffygy (8:13:45 PM): Skrull She-Hulk, not so much

spiffygy (8:13:49 PM): She-Hulk? Yes, sir

spiffygy (8:13:55 PM): Of course, I’m a Tigra man through and through

MrStanza (8:14:17 PM): The fur gives me a rash, but I’m happy for you

spiffygy (8:14:21 PM): Damn Hank Pym for dirtying her hairy cunt

MrStanza (8:14:32 PM): wow, ok

spiffygy (8:14:39 PM): too much?

spiffygy (8:14:41 PM): lol

 

SHE-HULK #31
Written by PETER DAVID
Art by VINCENZO CUCCA
Cover by MIKE DEODATO
SECRET INVASION tie-in and X-FACTOR crossover issue! It’s double the trouble as our gamma-ray glamazon finds herself on a collision course with the mystery-solving X-Factor and hip-deep in the Skrull infestation! What does She-Hulk’s partner Jazinda – who just happens to be a Skrull – know about the invasion, and is she part of it? And why has writer Peter David pitted the heroes of his two books against one another? All the answers are waiting for you here, and so is an exciting new art team!

spiffygy (8:15:01 PM): lol Gamma Ray Glamazon?

MrStanza (8:15:22 PM): greatest description ever?

MrStanza (8:15:24 PM): Perbe

spiffygy (8:15:33 PM): I like how PAD created his very own crossover within SI, thats brilliant

spiffygy (8:15:48 PM): I wonder why Bendis didnt do something like th–, oh wait

MrStanza (8:15:56 PM): oooooooooo

MrStanza (8:16:16 PM): Anyway, this crossover could be fun, just for a possible She-Hulk vs. Strong Guy moment

spiffygy (8:16:35 PM): I hope they fuck

 

SKRULLS! ONE-SHOT
Written by JOHN RHETT THOMAS
Cover by GREG HORN
Ever since the dawning of the Marvel Age of heroes, the Skrulls have been known as scheming, conniving, insidious interlopers in the affairs not just of Earth, but the whole universe. Now, get the Skrulls’ side of the story! Who are they, what drives them, and what are their ultimate goals? Who are their heroes, and who are their villains? And what will become of their clash between religion and modernity – manifest in their relentless pursuit of the Earth as the final prize – when it spills over into universal mayhem? SKRULLS! helps answer these questions and gives you the clues to ask even more! Featuring detailed information about the full expanse of Skrull history – including biographical data of classic Skrulls through the ages, reprints of key moments from Skrull history and original material that will help form a deeper understanding of the Skrull race…all from a Skrull perspective. SKRULLS! is 64 pages and no ads full of shape-shifting secrets!

spiffygy (8:16:52 PM): Hey wow, I was wondering when we’d see some Skrulls?!

MrStanza (8:18:04 PM): Someone with more time on their hands than us should count how many times the words Skrull/s/s’ appear in Marvel’s solits this month

spiffygy (8:19:02 PM): Goki: 124

MrStanza (8:18:31 PM): I mean, wow, talk about hanging your hats on one group

MrStanza (8:18:47 PM): what if the collectice fanbase had said, “Fuck Skrulls”?

MrStanza (8:19:09 PM): All but like two of their books would be down the drain

MrStanza (8:19:33 PM): But anyway, I won’t buy this solely because I don’t like writers with three names

MrStanza (8:19:47 PM): too shifty, you can’t trust them (like the Skrulls, conveniently)

spiffygy (8:19:57 PM): Maybe John Rhett is a skrull?

 

 

 

spiffygy (8:56:29 PM): And, because we salute comics “legends”….

SQUADRON SUPREME 2 #1
Written by HOWARD CHAYKIN
Penciled by MARCO TURINI
Cover by GREG LAND
“POWER TO THE PEOPLE” PART 1 (OF 6)
They were gods walking the Earth, powerful but flawed, they dreamed of remaking the world in their image. After their apocalyptic battle with Redstone, and after their terrifying fight with the Ultimate Universe, that dream has become a nightmare. While mankind struggles to rebuild, new heroes appear — and Nick Fury, left behind after the hit ULTIMATE POWER limited series, learns the shocking secrets of four astronauts who returned to Earth, changed. Join comics legend HOWARD CHAYKIN and newcomer MARCO TURINI to ask the question — whatever happened to the Squadron Supreme?

spiffygy (8:57:08 PM): I don’t get how Ultimate Nick Fury shows up in this, but I also dont get how Chaykin is a fucking comics legend

MrStanza (8:58:10 PM): I think I had a theory for that the last time we discussed him, but I’ve forgotten it

spiffygy (8:58:32 PM): Well do you want the story? Or shall we ridicule his “legend” standing and continue living ignorant?

MrStanza (8:58:57 PM): Ignorance is bliss, and such

spiffygy (8:59:10 PM): Fair enough. You chose this path, remember that

spiffygy (8:59:25 PM): Anyways, I don’t give a shit about this

spiffygy (8:59:26 PM): You?

MrStanza (8:59:47 PM): No. I’m very selective in which comics i choose to shit over

THOR #10
Written by J. MICHAEL STRACZYNSKI
Pencils & Cover by OLIVIER COIPEL
J. Michael Straczynski and Olivier Coipel’s unstoppable new vision of Thor barrels on stronger than ever! As the Asgardians returned to this life and Thor returned to Midgard, so came the ills that have plagued the gods and man for millennia. Now for the first time since their rebirth, Thor and his fellow hero-gods are venturing forth from the Shining City to confront the growing evils that amass on their horizon, and within their walls

spiffygy (9:00:34 PM): Hey guess who the evil is within their walls

spiffygy (9:00:40 PM): I bet you can, and you never read an issue

MrStanza (9:00:56 PM): Richard Haldemann?

spiffygy (9:01:02 PM): Fine, ruin the groove asshole

MrStanza (9:01:26 PM): you’re just mad because I’m such a good guesser

spiffygy (9:01:38 PM): If Richard Haldemann is Loki, then yes, you’re damn good

MrStanza (9:01:49 PM): is Loki a Skrull?

spiffygy (9:01:57 PM): The only difference this time is Loki was reborn after Ragnarok with tits

MrStanza (9:02:01 PM): Why didn’t the word Skrull appear in this solit?

spiffygy (9:02:14 PM): Because JMS would PMS if he had to write about skrulls

spiffygy (9:02:22 PM): Bwa-ha-ha!

MrStanza (9:02:35 PM): PMS can be good

spiffygy (9:03:00 PM): Im intrigued to see where you go with this

MrStanza (9:03:17 PM): like the one time you forget to wear protection, and your girlfriend is a little late, and you’re more terrified than you’ve ever been in your life?

MrStanza (9:03:23 PM): You feel me fellas?

spiffygy (9:03:42 PM): If forget means too drunk to remember, then I think most fellas do

spiffygy (9:03:52 PM): Because who forgets a condom if a baby is on the line?

spiffygy (9:04:09 PM): And who forgets that Loki is ALWAYS BEHIND EVERY SINGLE THING

spiffygy (9:04:16 PM): And that this story is no different

MrStanza (9:04:37 PM): When it turns out to be Haldemann, you owe me a cookie

spiffygy (9:04:52 PM): Like FF with Doom, every Thor writer has to do a Loki tale, and while it was shaping up to be a good one from what Ive read (I’ve read 1-6)….eh

MrStanza (9:05:42 PM): so are you buying this or no?

spiffygy (9:05:52 PM): Naw, I’ll read it at college when my friend brings the issues up

spiffygy (9:06:29 PM): Really I was just being harsh on this because thats the way we do things, JMS was doing well

MrStanza (9:06:04 PM): cheap but effective

MrStanza (9:06:18 PM): like Equate Pain Relievers

MrStanza (9:06:31 PM): They work like Tylenol, but for a third of the cost!

spiffygy (9:06:40 PM): Thanks, AA!

TRUE BELIEVERS #1 (of 5)
Written by CARY BATES
Pencils & Cover by PAUL GULACY
“PAYBACK IS A BITCH”
Super heroes running a female fight club? Unbelievable perhaps, but it’s a tale of depravity that will send shockwaves across the globe once the sordid details appear on a podcast uploaded by the TRUE BELIEVERS! Who are these counter-culture subversives with strange powers and abilities who have proclaimed themselves ‘warriors of the information age’? The True Believers not only speak truth to power, they wield it like a weapon using it to root out lies and deception, cover-ups and conspiracies wherever they find them. Whether it’s S.H.I.E.L.D. or the Illuminati, HYDRA or Weapon X, the CIA or the CSA, no target is too big and no one is off-limits — including a wary superhuman community with plenty of its own secrets to hide!

spiffygy (9:06:49 PM): If only this was written by Kathy Bates

MrStanza (9:06:58 PM): yeah, she’s HOTT

spiffygy (9:07:22 PM): And isnt it a little racy that a story can have “bitch” in it? What with Power Pack fans reading these? FOR HECK Marvel

spiffygy (9:07:24 PM): FOR HECK

MrStanza (9:07:45 PM): (3!)

spiffygy (9:08:18 PM): But uh, Im going to be honest, Im not going to read that description

spiffygy (9:08:40 PM): Horrible title for what it really is

spiffygy (9:08:52 PM): Unless Kathy Bates or Stan Lee is writing it, that title is off limits

MrStanza (9:08:49 PM): I’m not sure I have anything to say about this. There’s only one Fight Club, and this book isn’t it

spiffygy (9:09:06 PM): Don’t talk about Fight Club

spiffygy (9:09:13 PM): And don’t read True Believers

ASTONISHING X-MEN #25
Written by WARREN ELLIS
Pencils & Wraparound Cover by SIMONE BIANCHI
It’s the book you’ve been waiting for. The superstar team of Warren Ellis and Simone Bianchi are ready to take the X-Men to the “Second Stage”! “Messiah CompleX” pulled the X-Men team together, “Divided We Stand” tore them apart. Now the X-Men are back to business — with a new look, a new base of operations, and a mystery to solve that will take them into previously uncharted territory and test them to their core!

spiffygy (9:09:58 PM): I like how I just finished Messiah CompleX, and I thought I was all up to date and then “Divided We Stand” bullshit actually bears mentioning

MrStanza (9:09:58 PM): If the “Second Stage” is mediocrity, Ellis and Bianchi are off to a good start

spiffygy (9:10:20 PM): Amen to that

spiffygy (9:11:04 PM): Sorry but I already miss NY. SF is sweet

spiffygy (9:11:13 PM): But thats where the True Believers belong, and couples on tandem bikes

spiffygy (9:11:15 PM): Not the X-Men

spiffygy (9:11:27 PM): (granted it makes all kinds of sense, but agree with me dammit)

MrStanza (9:11:43 PM): Side point: there needs to be a comic about tandem bikers

MrStanza (9:11:54 PM): very untapped corner of the market

spiffygy (9:12:04 PM): Side point within the side point: It can be called Tandem Bikers

MrStanza (9:12:15 PM): goog title!

spiffygy (9:12:22 PM): i love goog!

MrStanza (9:12:24 PM): Very goog indeed!

UNCANNY X-MEN #500
Written by ED BRUBAKER & MATT FRACTION
Penciled by GREG LAND & TERRY DODSON
50/50 Wraparound Cover by ALEX ROSS
50/50 Wraparound Cover by GREG LAND
Variant Cover by MICHAEL TURNER
Variant Cover by TERRY DODSON
“SFX”, PART 1!
Sentinels? What? And Magneto? And is that the Master Mold? What the hell is going on in San Francisco now that the Uncanny X-Men have relocated there? They’ve got a new Headquarters and a new status quo as the gauntlet is thrown for a new era of mutantkind. It’s all here in the double-sized anniversary issue that sets up the plotlines that will be developed over the next year in UNCANNY. And it’s all brought to you by the hot writing team of Ed Brubaker & Matt Fraction (Immortal Iron Fist) and fan favorite artists Greg Land (ULTIMATE FANTASTIC FOUR, X-MEN: FREE COMIC BOOK DAY) and Terry Dodson (SPIDER-MAN/BLACK CAT, Wonder Woman). New creators, new home. The future begins now.

spiffygy (9:13:14 PM): Because Im a well documented hypocrit: fuck yeah

spiffygy (9:13:38 PM): Although I wish it was just Greg Land, because he draws the most beautiful beautiful women and just artwork in general

MrStanza (9:13:53 PM): Agreed. This is probably one of Marvel’s very most anticipated issues this month

spiffygy (9:14:07 PM): Dodson draws a nice rack, to be sure, but I always thought his specialty was Shanna the She Devil, not Brubaker written X-Men. But I’m prepared to give it a shot

spiffygy (9:14:29 PM): In fact….I believe we at GGG are preparing a Warriors Three about this VERY issue!

spiffygy (9:14:55 PM): Side point: Goki will only be there in spirit (Goki: NO)

MrStanza (9:14:56 PM): If I’ve learned one thing about you during these Preview Reviews, it’s that you only really notice art when it’s hot chicks

MrStanza (9:15:08 PM): but fair enough

spiffygy (9:15:26 PM): Not really, Ive mentioned Maleev and the BP cover and loads of others

MrStanza (9:15:45 PM): i recall none of that

spiffygy (9:15:48 PM): You only remember my tittie comments because theyre more memorable, and hey, thats why I do that

spiffygy (9:16:07 PM): But anyways: which cover are you getting?

spiffygy (9:16:13 PM): lol i dont give a shit

spiffygy (9:16:27 PM): Who’s your favorite X-Men?

spiffygy (9:16:38 PM): If you could be a color, what would it be?

MrStanza (9:16:42 PM): I plan to get both, so I can tear half off each other and glue them together to make halfsies

MrStanza (9:16:51 PM): My fav X-Men is Dazzler

MrStanza (9:16:57 PM): and I would be magenta

spiffygy (9:17:29 PM): I would be green, predictably

MrStanza (9:17:34 PM): lame

spiffygy (9:17:56 PM): My favorite X-Men is Wolverine because he roxxers and kicks a$$

spiffygy (9:18:45 PM): But anyways: One of my most anticipated issues of this month, and I cant wait to get back in the X-Men saddle, after reading Brubaker’s run, Endangered Species and Messiah

MrStanza (9:19:03 PM): I’ve read none of that

MrStanza (9:19:18 PM): But I love the X-Men, and I too am very much looking forward to this

X-MEN: LEGACY #214
Written by MIKE CAREY
Penciled by SCOT EATON
Cover by ALAN DAVIS
Sinister’s machinations finally come to a head, after decades of preparations. Can Xavier discover the secrets to the plot against his mind before his loses his sanity? Or will he become another in a long line of victims? Either way, he just may learn things about his past he’ll come to regret. Guest starring Sebastian Shaw and the deadliest gator in the swamp, Gambit!

MrStanza (9:19:47 PM): “before his loses his sanity?”?

MrStanza (9:19:50 PM): Well done, Marvel. Grammar is your strong point, clearly.

spiffygy (9:20:10 PM): I think Sinister can be saved

MrStanza (9:21:23 PM): I think your mom can be saved

MrStanza (9:21:26 PM): but anyway

spiffygy (9:21:28 PM): Oh, so are you on this title for good?

MrStanza (9:21:47 PM): Too soon to say, I’ve only read one issue

MrStanza (9:22:13 PM): But that issue, 213, was really very good, especially the end, which promises great thigns for this issue

MrStanza (9:22:32 PM): So I’m certainly on board for this, and I have pretty high hopes for  the book

spiffygy (9:22:39 PM): Why is the subtitle Legacy?

MrStanza (9:22:45 PM): No clue

MrStanza (9:23:11 PM): This book’s title should stop changing though

spiffygy (9:23:11 PM): Because for whatever reason, I thought this book was like a retelling of old X-Men stuff until recently

spiffygy (9:23:37 PM): And this solit just ruined the end of Messiah CompleX for me

spiffygy (9:23:48 PM): I can never be caught up, haha

MrStanza (9:24:25 PM): Well, I don’t know enough about Messiah Complex to know what it ruined for you, but this a good book

MrStanza (9:24:44 PM): So for those of you trying out the X-books, give this a shot

spiffygy (9:24:48 PM): Prediction: I’ll be reading Astonishing, Uncanny and Legacy by the end of the month

 

MrStanza (9:25:10 PM): Prediction: I’ll make fun of you for reading Astonishing

spiffygy (9:25:21 PM): Prediction: You have a small penis

spiffygy (9:24:53 PM): Hey kids! Its AA in comicbook form!

X-FORCE #5
Written by CHRISTOPHER YOST & CRAIG KYLE
Pencils & 50/50 Cover by CLAYTON CRAIN
50/50 Bloody Variant Cover by CLAYTON CRAIN
“ANGELS AND DEMONS”
It began with one simple mission: Kill the Purifier leader Matthew Risman before he kills any more mutants. But everything went to hell, and now it gets worse. Wolfsbane’s decent continues. War rages between Risman and Bastion. The Choir rises. And if that weren’t enough… it’s X-FORCE VERSUS ARCHANGEL. Part 5 (of 6)

spiffygy (9:25:47 PM): Wolfsbane’s still decent? Well thats a relief

spiffygy (9:26:13 PM): a) I never wanted to see her naked. She’s no Tigra. b) I want her to be a decent person forevs

MrStanza (9:26:02 PM): Well, this is the fifth part of a story I’ve read none of

MrStanza (9:26:14 PM): Yet there’s a pretty good chance I’ll buy this

spiffygy (9:26:22 PM): YES

spiffygy (9:26:40 PM): Goki was with me on that one

 

MrStanza (9:26:36 PM): I need to make up for not buying Warren’s mini

spiffygy (9:26:51 PM): So buy an issue you wont make sense of, of course

MrStanza (9:27:05 PM): and I’m curious as to what his powers/status are now, since he’s apparently Archangel again

spiffygy (9:27:58 PM): Yeah I had no idea when that happened

MrStanza (9:28:02 PM): So two things to take from this:

MrStanza (9:28:21 PM): 1. Marvel really needs to hire a better copy editor to proofread these solits

MrStanza (9:28:32 PM): 2. AA’s buying decisions make no sense

spiffygy (9:28:54 PM): And I’m not wearing pants!

CABLE #5
Written by DUANE SWIERCZYNSKI
Pencils & Cover by ARIEL OLIVETTI
Variant Cover by MARC SILVESTRI
The war that started in “Messiah CompleX” continues here! Hang on to your Bjorn-straps, people: Here it is, the can’t-miss conclusion to “War Baby”! Both Cable and Bishop have crossed lines they thought they’d never cross. There’s no going back now. And in the disaster-ravaged streets of a near-future Manhattan, it all comes down to which X-Man wants to accomplish his objective more. The gloves are off, the guns are loaded, and nobody’s going to walk out of this one unscathed, including the baby!

spiffygy (9:29:14 PM): DONT HURT THE BABY, DAMN YOU MARVEL

spiffygy (9:29:35 PM): Oh wait, Marvel would never hurt a baby. She’s safe, kids

MrStanza (9:29:14 PM): Bjorn-straps?

spiffygy (9:29:55 PM): And yeah whats up with Bjorn straps? And should I know what they are? And why is someone mowing their lawn AT THIS TIME AT NIGHT?

spiffygy (9:30:03 PM): My neighborhood sucks

MrStanza (9:30:18 PM): it’s Bjorn’s fault

MrStanza (9:30:21 PM): I’m sure of it

MrStanza (9:30:29 PM): whoever that even is

MrStanza (9:30:32 PM): fuck

MrStanza (9:30:45 PM): this is just making me angry the more I think about it

MrStanza (9:30:50 PM): FUCK CABLE

MrStanza (9:30:54 PM): DON’T BUY THIS BOOK

MrStanza (9:30:59 PM): DON’T BUY IT

MrStanza (9:30:59 PM): DON’T BUY IT

MrStanza (9:31:00 PM): DON’T BUY IT

MrStanza (9:31:01 PM): DON’T BUY IT’

spiffygy (9:31:03 PM): In all fairness, if you read Messiah, the Cable/Bishop fight would be rad

spiffygy (9:31:15 PM): And yes, I used rad, because Goki would’ve used it more times than we’ve used heck by now

MrStanza (9:31:23 PM): (4!)

YOUNG X-MEN #4
Written by MARC GUGGENHEIM
Penciled by YANICK PAQUETTE
Cover by TERRY DODSON
“NEW GENESIS,” part 4 (of 5)
It’s the Young X-Men vs. the Hellfire Club! Will the kids survive? Marc Guggenheim (AMAZING SPIDER-MAN, WOLVERINE, Eli Stone) and Yanick Paquette (ULTIMATE X-MEN) pack more surprises than you can handle into this issue. Do not miss this!

spiffygy (9:31:38 PM): I hope the kids dont survive

MrStanza (9:31:43 PM): samezies

spiffygy (9:31:52 PM): Somehow even after House of M, theres still too many damn X-Men

MrStanza (9:32:19 PM): Who is even in the Hellfire Club these days? Emma and Tessa became good guys, Sebastian Shaw is doing his own thing in Legacy

MrStanza (9:32:27 PM): that leaves like one person

MrStanza (9:32:33 PM): so maybe they will survive

spiffygy (9:32:50 PM): Shaw’s doing WORK recently, so I bet hes involved again

spiffygy (9:33:04 PM): He was a prick in Mighty Avengers, in Legacy, and probably this

spiffygy (9:33:12 PM): And nevermind about Mighty Avengers

spiffygy (9:33:17 PM): I made a huge mistake

spiffygy (9:33:30 PM): I made a huge little mistake

spiffygy (9:33:48 PM): I have pop pop in the attic

spiffygy (9:34:00 PM): The mere fact you call it pop pop tells me youre not ready

MrStanza (9:34:03 PM): The mere fact that you call it that tells me you’re not ready

spiffygy (9:34:12 PM): yours is righter, lol

MrStanza (9:34:22 PM): It is, but you’re still much faster

MrStanza (9:34:50 PM): Moral of the story: Fuck these kids

MrStanza (9:35:03 PM): (that’ll get us some pedophilia hits for the blog!)

spiffygy (9:35:23 PM): Score!

spiffygy (9:35:36 PM): If they’re not all at Wee Britain, thinking what I think of when I hear it said aloud

WOLVERINE #67
Written by MARK MILLAR
Pencils & Cover by STEVE MCNIVEN
“OLD MAN LOGAN”
Logan owes the Hulk Gang. He owes them big, and they’re not the kind to let a debt slide, even for the guy who — 50 years ago — called himself Wolverine. So Logan’s agreed to a crazy ride across America with the blind archer, Hawkeye, to deliver a package to the East Coast. First stop: San Francisco, but only if Logan and Hawkeye can make it past — the GHOST RIDERS. MARK MILLAR and STEVE MCNIVEN — the best-selling creative team of the 21st century — continue the biggest Wolverine story the future has ever seen! Part 2 (of 8)

MrStanza (9:36:09 PM): 1. There’s a Hulk gang?

MrStanza (9:36:18 PM): 2. Hawkeye is blind?

spiffygy (9:36:22 PM): Its a story set in the future, idiot

MrStanza (9:36:24 PM): 3. Heck

spiffygy (9:36:31 PM): Okay, 3 saved you

MrStanza (9:36:58 PM): 3 always does

MrStanza (9:37:08 PM): That’s why they call it a holy trinity

 

spiffygy (9:37:31 PM): I love threesomes

MrStanza (9:37:39 PM): you’ve never had one

spiffygy (9:37:45 PM): Troof

spiffygy (9:37:04 PM): I dont know how Millar and McNiven were deemed the best selling creative team in the 21st century, but dayumm

spiffygy (9:37:20 PM): (Im guessing Civil War is the most heavily bought comic of this decade? If not, they lied)

MrStanza (9:37:50 PM): but maybe millar and mcniven did something else too

spiffygy (9:37:58 PM): Well maybe they had a threesome

MrStanza (9:38:00 PM): like Crime-inator: Year One

spiffygy (9:38:18 PM): I think thats all you, buddy

MrStanza (9:38:22 PM): who would they have had a threesome with?

spiffygy (9:38:43 PM): Joey Q?

MrStanza (9:38:48 PM): DREW CAREY?!!

spiffygy (9:38:54 PM): Prediction: HERBIE

spiffygy (9:39:09 PM): Or the vacuum from Arrested Development

MrStanza (9:39:18 PM): Prediction: Free Chicken

spiffygy (9:39:21 PM): “What do you expect mother?! I’m half machine now”

spiffygy (9:39:28 PM): IM A MONSTER!

MrStanza (9:40:04 PM): Well, that was a freebie (for HERBIE)

spiffygy (9:40:06 PM): Man, if we had an Arrested Development blog, we might be more successful

MrStanza (9:40:12 PM): mayhaps

MrStanza (9:40:31 PM): for now, let’s…recommend? this book

spiffygy (9:40:42 PM): Yes, buy it. It’s going to be….wait for it….

spiffygy (9:40:44 PM): LEGENDARY

MrStanza (9:40:53 PM): there you go

spiffygy (9:40:54 PM): And because AA abandoned his favorite character, so will I. No Angel: Revelations.

spiffygy (9:41:07 PM): Let’s take a shit on something

WOLVERINE: ORIGINS #27
Written by DANIEL WAY
Penciled by STEPHEN SEGOVIA
Cover by GREG LAND
“SON OF X”
The origin of Daken, the son of Wolverine! Following in his father’s footsteps, Daken is inducted into a secret society of killers and trained by the master himself — the mysterious being known as Romulus. But now that Daken has been freed from his master’s grasp by his father, Wolverine, has his training ended, or has it just begun? Part 2 (of 2).

spiffygy (9:41:15 PM): *vomits*

spiffygy (9:41:18 PM): *shits*

spiffygy (9:41:53 PM): *then eats the shit, and vomits up that shit and eats up the vomited shit that was eaten earlier*

spiffygy (9:42:10 PM): *and took it too far in a lame attempt to evoke Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back*

MrStanza (9:41:55 PM): *has to clean up both the vomit and shit after taking a janitorial job*

spiffygy (9:42:22 PM): But seriously, Wolverine: Origins sounds utterly dreadful

spiffygy (9:42:30 PM): Fuck Marvel for using Wolverine as a cashcow

spiffygy (9:42:38 PM): Oh wait….thats been happening forever

spiffygy (9:42:50 PM): Sorry I thought we were back in the days of Booster Gold’s first issue

MrStanza (9:43:02 PM): Simpler times

spiffygy (9:43:14 PM): Fo sho

MrStanza (9:43:14 PM): No taxation without representation!

MrStanza (9:43:19 PM): Join or die!

spiffygy (9:43:22 PM): John Adams rules

spiffygy (9:43:43 PM): Seriously, Ive seen the first two eps of the HBO mini series. Captivating stuff

MrStanza (9:44:02 PM): Well, I read the famous biography, so I win

spiffygy (9:44:15 PM): But I watched Paul Giamatti and Laura Linney do it

spiffygy (9:44:21 PM): So youre right, you do win

MrStanza (9:44:25 PM): By read, I mean it was given to me and it still sits on a bookshelf at home

MrStanza (9:44:32 PM): but I still win

spiffygy (9:44:33 PM): You still win

MrStanza (9:44:38 PM): good, we agree

spiffygy (9:44:47 PM): Maybe we can agree on another round of crap

GENEXT #3 (of 5)
Written by CHRIS CLAREMONT
Penciled by PATRICK SCHERBERGER
Cover by DOUG GREGORYALEXANDER
No-Name. Her past is a mystery, both to her fellow students at the Xavier Institute as well as the faculty and staff. Nevertheless, that past is coming back to haunt her. When her teammates awake to find their nameless friend missing, there’s no way they can just let the matter go, no matter what the school’s headmasters say! Continuing the story of the offspring of the X-Men we know from writer who made the X-Men what they are today, Chris Claremont!

spiffygy (9:44:59 PM): I hope his name really is Gregoryalexander

MrStanza (9:45:14 PM): me too

spiffygy (9:45:23 PM): Well No-Name is more creative than X, or something like that, so props

MrStanza (9:45:45 PM): yes, Claremont is clearly back with a capital Q

spiffygy (9:46:06 PM): So back that were going to ignore New Exiles

MrStanza (9:46:27 PM): Even though Blink is apparently the most liked character in comics

spiffygy (9:46:57 PM): And because we dont cater to Blink fans, well move on

spiffygy (9:47:08 PM): (I sure love to burn bridges, dont you?)

MrStanza (9:47:34 PM): (I assume that was a crack at the tragedy in Minnesota, and i find it inappropriate)

MrStanza (9:47:46 PM): (sick bastard)

spiffygy (9:47:48 PM): RIP

X-MEN: ODD MEN OUT ONE-SHOT
Written by ROGER STERN & MICHAEL HIGGINS
Penciled by DAVE COCKRUM
Cover by ERIC NGUYEN
Featuring two never-before-seen stories illustrated by the late, legendary Dave Cockrum. First up, relive the history of the X-Men, as recounted by Professor X and his old friend, former FBI Agent Fred Duncan. Then, the New Mutants – Rictor, Boom Boom, Cannonball, Rusty, Skids, Sunspot and Wolvesbane – face off against the Mad Thinker.

MrStanza (9:48:23 PM): Judging from the title, this sounds like a followup to the baseball game against Galactus

spiffygy (9:48:39 PM): lol

MrStanza (9:49:06 PM): But now that I’ve read the solit, I wish I hadn’t said that, because it’s actually pretty cool

spiffygy (9:49:26 PM): Yeah, Dave Cockrum is the man

spiffygy (9:49:35 PM): I wont buy this, but Im glad Marvel’s doing it

MrStanza (9:49:37 PM): We’ve seen “legendary” tossed around like monkey shit, but Cockrum earned that monikor

spiffygy (9:49:46 PM): Heck yeah he did!

MrStanza (9:49:53 PM): (5?)

spiffygy (9:49:59 PM): (5!)

spiffygy (9:50:13 PM): Did I say that plainly enough?

spiffygy (9:50:19 PM): Heck yeah he did!

spiffygy (9:50:27 PM): There, better. (#6)

MrStanza (9:50:29 PM): (6!)

MrStanza (9:50:43 PM): I may not buy it either, because I’m cheap/poor, but like you said, this is a cool thing to do

MrStanza (9:50:56 PM): so well done Marvel, for once

spiffygy (9:51:15 PM): And because we cant in good conscience recommend or even find it worthwhile to talk about another Wolverine title and some other stupid First Class title, well move on

spiffygy (9:51:36 PM): Move on to something thats more money grubbing than celebrating

MARVEL SPOTLIGHT: UNCANNY X-MEN 500 ISSUES CELEBRATION
Written by JOHN RHETT THOMAS
In 1963, Stan Lee and Jack Kirby launched a new title that featured a band of teenagers and their wheelchair-bound mentor, all possessing an “X-Tra” power that made them unique…and feared by humanity. UNCANNY X-MEN went through some early highs and lows before exploding back onto the scene in the late 1970s under the auspices of Chris Claremont, Dave Cockrum and John Byrne – fast becoming a phenomenon that would break out of the comics industry and become a worldwide sensation. It would make characters like Wolverine, Phoenix and Rogue household names, and launch the careers of talents like Paul Smith, Marc Silvestri, Jim Lee and Joe Madureira – to name just a few. In honor of UNCANNY X-MEN’s milestone 500th issue, MARVEL SPOTLIGHT throws a party to celebrate one of the greatest comics of all time. Join us as we look back at 500 issues worth of amazing characters, top creative talent and some of the most powerful stories in the medium.

spiffygy (9:52:25 PM): Yeah I got nothing either

spiffygy (9:52:29 PM): Hooray X-Men

FOOLKILLER: SHORT TIME #1 (of 5)
Written by GREGG HURWITZ
Penciled by PAUL AZACETA
Cover by TOMM COKER
“SHORT TIME,” PART 1
Los Angeles. The City of Angels. For a town that thinks it’s pretty, there’s plenty of ugly to go around. That’s where the Foolkiller comes in — taking a scalpel to warts, expurgating the cancer that grows in society’s gut. When an ex-con named Darius Goode is brutally murdered just two days out of Lompoc, it barely makes the police blotter. But when signs point to Goode being the latest victim of the clandestine hate-crime organization known as the White Angels, the Foolkiller has to get involved. Thus begins a bloody search that takes him from the Hollywood Hills to the city’s back alleys and eventually across the path of the one vigilante whose legend exceeds even his own. Yep, him.

spiffygy (9:53:17 PM): Him?

spiffygy (9:53:22 PM): Not him!

spiffygy (9:53:30 PM): Anybody but Him!

MrStanza (9:54:09 PM): Him clearly refers to Chris O’Donnell

spiffygy (9:54:21 PM): Heck yeah it does!

MrStanza (9:54:37 PM): but I am glad you brought this issue up, because it raises an unfortunate point

MrStanza (9:54:41 PM): (and 7!)

MrStanza (9:54:47 PM): Foot violence

MrStanza (9:55:06 PM): The media today seems to glamorous foot violence, while taking our feet for granted

MrStanza (9:55:41 PM): That’s why we here at Preview Reviews are going to make red FootStrong anklets to promote foot awareness

spiffygy (9:55:54 PM): Side note: I saw an episode of Weeds where one of the characters who doesnt have two toes, starred in a porn film called Foot Fuckers

MrStanza (9:56:07 PM): Hey, nice contribution Spiff!

spiffygy (9:56:30 PM): But good idea

spiffygy (9:56:37 PM): I love me some anklets

MrStanza (9:56:42 PM): Anyway, order an anklet today, but if you meet someone more famous than yourself, give it to him/her

MrStanza (9:56:55 PM): that way, the message spreads

spiffygy (9:56:59 PM): Side note: It’s nice of Foolkiller to cure cancer

Edit: LOL, I seriously thought the name was “Footkiller” for that entire discussion.

HAUNT OF HORROR: LOVECRAFT #2 (of 3)
Written by RICHARD CORBEN
Pencils & Cover by RICHARD CORBEN
Horror comics legend RICHARD CORBEN (HAUNT OF HORROR: EDGAR ALLAN POE) brings you a new 3-issue limited series that offers eerie new spins on the poems and short stories of H.P. Lovecraft. Each issue features three adaptations — beautifully rendered in black and white with gray tones as only Corben can do it — along with a printing of the original source text by H.P. Lovecraft. In this second issue, Corben brings you “The Music of Eric Zann,” “The Canal,” and “The Lamp.” It’s classic Lovecraft with a new twist!

MrStanza (9:57:47 PM): Lovecraft? that’s what the ladies nicknamed my car!

MrStanza (9:57:51 PM): OK, we can move on

spiffygy (9:57:57 PM): lol

spiffygy (9:58:17 PM): That’s what I call Goki’s mom*

WAR IS HELL: THE FIRST FLIGHT OF THE PHANTOM EAGLE #5 (of 5)
Written by GARTH ENNIS
Penciled by HOWARD CHAYKIN
Cover by JOHN CASSADAY
The stunning conclusion to Garth Ennis (PUNISHER MAX) and Howard Chaykin’s (PUNISHER WAR JOURNAL) gritty World War I fighter pilot saga. The body count has reached an all time high and the pressures of combat have taken their toll on Karl Kauffman. Can he survive the war with his sanity intact? Can he survive at all?

MrStanza (9:58:44 PM): They forgot to mention that Howard Chaykin is legendary this time

spiffygy (9:58:51 PM): Usually that never fails

spiffygy (9:58:54 PM): What if I told you Karl’s middle name was Klaus

MrStanza (9:59:06 PM): I’d be terrified

spiffygy (9:59:49 PM): It’s true folks. The first flight of the phantom eagle was by a KKK member! A NAZI!

spiffygy (10:00:26 PM): And yes readers, Im pulling at straws! Heck, I’m pulling blanks

spiffygy (10:00:41 PM): And that’s not fun, ask Jackie Chan in Rush Hour

 

MrStanza (10:01:38 PM): So, don’t support the Nazis, and don’t buy this book

MrStanza (10:01:50 PM): after all, its artist isn’t even legendary anymore, apparently

 

PUNISHER #59
Written by GARTH ENNIS
Penciled by GORAN PARLOV
Cover by TIM BRADSTREET
“VALLEY FORGE, VALLEY FORGE,” PART 5
Garth Ennis concludes his seminal run on PUNISHER — in style. It all comes down to a tape. And what seven desperate and insanely powerful men have done to conceal it. So far, they’re off to a good start: A Special Forces Squad has got the drop on the Punisher and is poised to fulfill the kill order. But then there’s a twist — a development no one could have seen coming, least of all Frank Castle — and things get really interesting.

spiffygy (10:02:16 PM): I’m not a big Punisher fan, but I think its noteworthy that this is the conclusion of Ennis’ 59 issue run

MrStanza (10:02:27 PM): Agreed

spiffygy (10:02:27 PM): By all accounts he’s done of the best Punisher runs ever

MrStanza (10:02:43 PM): I’ve never read any of it, but everyone who would know thinks it’s brilliant

spiffygy (10:02:53 PM): Ive read issue 1

spiffygy (10:02:55 PM): It was good

MrStanza (10:02:58 PM): so kudos, Garth Ennis, from two nonfans

spiffygy (10:03:05 PM): Definitely. We salute you

spiffygy (10:03:11 PM): Even though we made fun of War Is Hell for no reason

spiffygy (10:03:23 PM): Blame Chaykin on that one, though

MrStanza (10:03:29 PM): and the nazis

spiffygy (10:03:32 PM): Troof

 

 

KICK-ASS #5
Written by MARK MILLAR
Pencils & Cover by JOHN ROMITA JR.
Since he put on the green wetsuit and became Kick-Ass, Dave Lizewski has broken both legs, shattered his back; been run over by a Mercedes, smashed by garbage cans, and clobbered by gangsters; become a YouTube phenomenon and inspired a wave of costumed vigilantes…but none of that can compare to what’s going to happen now that John Genovese knows who he is. The super hero sensation of 2008 continues, courtesy of Mark Millar (CIVIL WAR, WOLVERINE, 1985, FANTASTIC FOUR) and John Romita Jr. (WORLD WAR HULK, AMAZING SPIDER-MAN)!

spiffygy (10:05:05 PM): This is a great book, but the solit kinda illustrates the only problem: the guys gotten his ASS kicked so many times, he should be dead

spiffygy (10:05:08 PM): Or at least immobilized

spiffygy (10:05:16 PM): But I still cant wait to see how this goes

MrStanza (10:05:39 PM): I can wait, mostly because I just now heard of this book

spiffygy (10:05:52 PM): He’s a YouTube sensation!

MrStanza (10:05:52 PM): but best of luck to it and its many fans

spiffygy (10:06:11 PM): Its a sweet story, but I’ll talk to you about it later when a) you care and b) im not dead

MrStanza (10:06:17 PM): may Yahweh bless this title on its journey

spiffygy (10:06:26 PM): Yessir

spiffygy (10:06:37 PM): And a title that may give Crime-inator a run for its money…

CRIMINAL #5
By Ed Brubaker and Sean Phillips
Nothing is what it seems when a woman on the run falls for a man running from his past!
“Bad Night” Part 2 of 4, twists like a knife in your back, as the multiple-award-winning series CRIMINAL keeps the hits coming! Jacob K. is no stranger to trouble, or to the strangers that bring trouble with them. Still, his coincidental meeting with a beautiful woman in need of shelter is beginning to turn his life upside down, and he’s starting to wonder if he even cares. And he’s also wondering if there are really any coincidences in life. See what these bad nights will bring him, and if he’ll get out alive.
And on top of this longer-than-usual length main story, CRIMINAL now features an expanded back-pages section, as well – with articles by Brubaker and other top crime writers, from novelists to screenwriters to comic writers. These noir articles have become a popular piece of the CRIMINAL package, and are something that can only be found in the comics, not in any collections.
So don’t miss out on the start of a new story arc in the most acclaimed crime comic on the stands!

spiffygy (10:07:07 PM): “Twists like a knife in your back”, thats actually awesome for a solit

MrStanza (10:07:25 PM): It is. And I usually make a point to buy books that have a naked woman holding a gun on the cover

spiffygy (10:07:41 PM): You’d be buying this and Vampirella

MrStanza (10:07:53 PM): Vampirella holds a gun?

spiffygy (10:07:57 PM): Oh she has guns

MrStanza (10:08:00 PM): Why would a vampire need a gun?

MrStanza (10:08:23 PM): do you mean she has muscles, or can guns refer to breasts for women?

MrStanza (10:08:27 PM): So confusing

spiffygy (10:08:36 PM): They used to

spiffygy (10:08:39 PM): I’m bringing it back

spiffygy (10:08:45 PM): THEY NOW REFER TO BREASTS

MrStanza (10:08:48 PM): like porch monkey?

spiffygy (10:08:59 PM): Just like porch monkey

spiffygy (10:09:13 PM): And theyd know more about Criminal’s longer than usual length story than I

spiffygy (10:09:22 PM): (too racy?)

MrStanza (10:09:42 PM): (probably, but leave it)

MrStanza (10:09:55 PM): (that’ll get the racists hitting up the blog)

spiffygy (10:10:21 PM): In all seriousness, or about as much as I can muster at this point….I hear this book is brilliant, and its at slot 89 in terms of trades to buy

spiffygy (10:10:50 PM): And heck, thats more than I can say for Power Pack Vol. 1 (coming to stores this month, ‘natch)!

MrStanza (10:11:23 PM): Power pack would be a lot higher if they spotlighted HERBIE less

MrStanza (10:11:30 PM): Heck yes, it sure would

spiffygy (10:11:38 PM): (10!)

MrStanza (10:11:44 PM): (really?)

spiffygy (10:11:50 PM): (yeah, you missed a count)

MrStanza (10:11:59 PM): (sweet, one more)

MrStanza (10:12:04 PM): (save it for the end)

spiffygy (10:12:07 PM): two more

MrStanza (10:12:12 PM): well, fuck then

spiffygy (10:12:12 PM): I said 12, didnt I?

MrStanza (10:12:15 PM): we’re doomed

spiffygy (10:12:17 PM): haha

spiffygy (10:12:24 PM): Now…..LAST of the night folks

MrStanza (10:12:25 PM): no way can we get two more hecks in

POWERS #31
Written by BRIAN MICHAEL BENDIS
Art & Cover by MICHAEL AVON OEMING
“Z” Part 2
BRAND NEW STORY ARC! NEW FORMAT! HOP ON THE POWERS TRAIN! Who were the Rat Pack of the Powers universe? And was Detective Christian Walker one of them? When the controversial crime fighter only known as Z meets his maker, the investigation reveals a secret chapter of Walker’s past. Will Walker’s true origin reveal itself to those closest to him? And can they handle it?! Plus: Deena Pilgrim faces her future.

spiffygy (10:12:30 PM): Heck

spiffygy (10:12:38 PM): Heck

MrStanza (10:12:42 PM): cheater

spiffygy (10:12:49 PM): I waited 8 seconds for you to do 12

MrStanza (10:12:51 PM): you totally just cheapened everything

MrStanza (10:13:04 PM): i don’t even know you anymore

spiffygy (10:13:06 PM): Hey, thats what were all about, and heck, we can always do 2 real ones!

MrStanza (10:13:15 PM): Fine.

MrStanza (10:13:22 PM): Didn’t you used to read this book?

spiffygy (10:13:27 PM): Yeah, I used to love it

spiffygy (10:13:31 PM): For whatever reason I stopped

spiffygy (10:13:37 PM): I was tempted to buy part 1 of the new format today

MrStanza (10:13:41 PM): it was the drugs, probably

spiffygy (10:13:51 PM): That may have been it

spiffygy (10:14:08 PM): But it sounds like I can get back on those drugs and jump on the powers train

spiffygy (10:14:25 PM): But really, that just makes me wish there was a train that gave me powers

MrStanza (10:14:23 PM): heck, this sounds like the perfect time to do it

spiffygy (10:14:32 PM): (12! congrats)

MrStanza (10:14:39 PM): (huzzah for us)

spiffygy (10:14:51 PM): Walker’s true origin was a subject 20 issues ago

spiffygy (10:14:57 PM): Probably since issue 1

spiffygy (10:15:15 PM): Bendis sure can drag a story out, although this was one of, if not his BEST when i was reading it in the day

MrStanza (10:15:38 PM): you really should get back into it, then

MrStanza (10:15:39 PM): please

MrStanza (10:15:42 PM): I want you to

MrStanza (10:15:44 PM): badly

MrStanza (10:15:48 PM): I need you to read this

spiffygy (10:15:54 PM): Golf club membership badly?

spiffygy (10:16:14 PM): Aren’t you my cousin?

MrStanza (10:16:21 PM): Maybe

spiffygy (10:16:30 PM): Maebe, to her friends

MrStanza (10:16:41 PM): FUCK YOU to your friends

spiffygy (10:16:43 PM): And her lovers (me, hopefully)

spiffygy (10:16:50 PM): Wow, thats a perfect end point

Epilogue

spiffygy (10:16:58 PM): Its done

MrStanza (10:17:04 PM): Goodnight, and good luck

MrStanza (10:17:08 PM): HEARTS

MrStanza signed off at 10:17:14 PM.

mrstanza is offline and will receive your IMs when signing back in.

MrStanza signed on at 10:17:27 PM.

spiffygy (10:17:37 PM): dick

spiffygy (10:17:47 PM): i was typing “wait before signing off dramatically”

MrStanza (10:18:05 PM): I love me some dramatic sign-offage

spiffygy (10:20:09 PM): Im going to sleep though, after I read SI

spiffygy (10:20:16 PM): Good night, and thanks for doing it

spiffygy (10:20:19 PM): I think we did great

MrStanza (10:20:20 PM): any time

MrStanza (10:20:24 PM): We did

spiffygy (10:20:29 PM): Goki was a great crutch to have

spiffygy (10:20:33 PM): But we came alive without it

spiffygy (10:20:36 PM): And had nice running jokes

 

MrStanza (10:20:54 PM): and what matter most, we’re back with a vengeance

MrStanza (10:21:03 PM): heck, we’re legendary

spiffygy (10:21:08 PM): HECK YES

spiffygy (10:21:13 PM): Goki: HECKERZ

spiffygy (10:21:23 PM): I dont even know why he said that

spiffygy (10:21:27 PM): Goki’s so weird lately

MrStanza (10:21:37 PM): silly goki

MrStanza (10:21:40 PM): it’s like he’s a different person

 

It was then decided that AA would do the Marvel editing…

spiffygy (10:23:58 PM): Just do a better job than Goki, and don’t edit this so it says that I KILLED GOKI

spiffygy (10:24:27 PM): I saw a dolphin’s penis once, and it turned me on

spiffygy (10:25:28 PM): and good night!

MrStanza (10:25:39 PM): sleep tight and such

spiffygy (10:25:44 PM): oh i sleep loose baby

 

FIN

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2 Responses to “July ’08 Preview Reviews: Marvel (Part 2)”

  1. gokitalo Says:

    I is gonna throw you both in prison. Then you guys gonna get the shank.

    More later.

  2. Gokitalo Says:

    Finally read it all (well, skimmed at some parts) and it was worth it. Well done, you two.

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