Hey kids, a blog post! 8/13 Comics Recommendations

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So, Spiffy is out on a cross-country trek, no doubt getting into all sorts of crazy shenanigans. I was supposed to watch his fantasy team, but then I lost Internet until today, so not only did I not do that, I didn’t take charge of giving this place some new content. Supposedly Goki is back and lurking around, but I won’t believe it until I see a new psot from him.

But anyway, I’ll hijack Spiff’s weekly column and do a quick rundown of what came out four days ago (we’re awesome!). Hopefully, I can finish reading my books and post my review tomorrow (Monday), but don’t count on it. So here you have a breakdown of notable comics that came out this past week, though the week was perhaps more notable for what didn’t come out. Read on, but don’t expect any humor. At all.

Dark Horse

Blood Plus GN Vol. 3: Blood plus what? Blood plus water? Blood plus oil? Blood plus Richard Gere? I’m hooked already, and we’re only a mere three collections into the series. If this is about the Oakland A’s of the early 1990s, then I assume it’s Blood plus steroids and HGH.

BRPD: The Warning #2 (of 5): Warning: You can’t pronounce the start of the title of this book, so don’t bother trying. But as soon as you see BRPD, you’ll know that you can’t pronounce it, so by the time you get to the “warning,” you’re already screwed. Very ineffective. It should be Warning: BRPD. Or better yet, this should just not be a book.

DC

Batman #679 (RIP): A lot of people started buying this storyline because, based on the “RIP,” they assumed Grant Morrison was going to kill Batman, Bruce Wayne, or at least dramatically alter the outlook for the character. But it’s not “Rest In Peace,” it’s just the word “rip.” An entire story about how Batman learns to rip a phonebook in half, like those weightlifters who become motivational speakers later in life.

Final Crisis: Revelations #1: All of the Final Crisis tie-ins have been amazing, even though the main mini has been mediocre. This one is about a black man who became the all-powerful spirit of wrath. Those white cops who beat up Rodney King are fucked.

Green Arrow/Black Canary #11: I don’t read this, though I like both characters, but I’ll spotlight it anyway since Spiff gets it. When I first started reading Winick, way back when he was starting Exiles, he became an extreme fav within 10 issues. He’s supposedly decent to good now, but still seems like a minor player and generally missable. What happened?

Tiny Titans #6: Spiffy makes fun of my obsession with this book, and I know he’d prefer I just buy it already. But I won’t, largely due to the fact that I’ve never actually seen a copy of an issue. For the record, I’m just thrilled this book exists. I think all superheroes should be tiny, like Goki’s penis.

Image

Broken Trinity Darkness (one-shot): Image can do a “Broken Trinity” story in just a single one-shot. But DC’s “Trinity,” meanwhile, is on issue #11 this week with no sign of ever ending its weekly march. Eventually, that series will move to three-a-week, and become the first book to reach 100 issues in six months. Learn from Image, DC.

Golly #1: I was going to say that this sounds like the perfect replacement for “Heck” in a future Preview Review, but the series is actually rated mature, which flies in the face of the “heck” usage. What would Hoppy, the Marvel bunny, think?

Marvel

Astonishing X-Men #26: The fair thing would be either to try the second issue of Warren Ellis’ run to see if I like the direction any more, or at least to not bitch about a book that I didn’t read enough of to fairly judge. But what I prefer to do is just call this shit and predict that it will be the worst X-run since Chuck Austen.

Last Defenders #6 (of 6): Well, this is the end of the miniseries, and since these were the “Last” Defenders, I suppose we now bid adieu to this team. But what were they defending, anyway? Maybe it was a group of Democrat superheroes defending the right of abortion. Or Republican superheroes defending the right to be predominantly white. Or maybe there was a group of each, and they fought to determine the presidency. I hope so, because if not, Marvel really missed an opportunity to cash in on politics in an election year.

Punisher Kills Marvel Universe: Well, there you have it. Now we know why Thanos’ plans always failed: He forgot to hire a pissed-off guy with no powers who likes guns. It was that simple all along.

Secret Invasion #5 (of 8): We’re five issues into the crossover now; surely it’s no longer a secret? Can’t we just call it “Invasion” by now?

Secret Invasion: Thor #1 (of 3): Here’s what happens in this limited series: Thor sees that Earth is fucked, but he realizes he doesn’t give a shit because he has his own damn heaven-like kingdom to rule over. The next two issues are him playing strip poker with Baldrick and the Enchantress. It’s actually quite good.

Secret invasion: X-Men #1 (of 3): If the Skrulls are invading San Francisco, they better make sure not to accdidentally destroy any hybrid cars during the fight. Apparently that’s one of Emma’s biggest pet peeves.

Indies

2000 AD #1595: I assume this is some kind of special event numbering, like Booster Gold #1,000,000, but if so, 1595 seems like a weird number. I choose to believe this has either been running sicne the 1800s, or it’s Kurt Busiek’s prequel to Trinity.

Atomic Robo Dogs of War #1 (of 5): Sounds great. Seriously, if my shop had an Indie selection, I would’ve been all over this. Kinda like how Spiffy and Craig T. Nelson were all over Goki’s mom in their threesome last night.

Clockwork Girl HC: I think I know a little something about this one. Give me a mint and let my tongue have three minutes down there, and it’s like clockwork for every girl.

Everybodys Dead #5: Fuck. Did the Punisher get them too? At least we shouldn’t have to pay taxes if we’re dead, right?

Helen Killer #4 (of 4): This marks the end of the miniseries, and I’m still alive. Just goes to show, you really can make fun of the handicapped with absolutely no negative consequences.

Igor Movie Adaptation #1: Nothing beats the comic book adaptation of a movie, especially when it’s a movie you didn’t know existed. Part of me hopes it’s about Igor (pronounced eye-gore) from Young Frankenstein. But really, without Marty Feldman, what’s the point? RIP (not rip) Marty.

Jyu Oh Sei GN Vol. 1: The noise a Japanese girl makes when orgasming.

Lone Ranger #12: This issue gets a “mature” designation, so I’m guessing the Lone Ranger and Tonto are going to finally get it on. I assume Ang Lee is directing? Or maybe it’s one of them with the horse, Silver, a la Clerks 2.

Screaming Queen #3 (of 5): The nickname given to one of my “clockwork girls” after I’m through.

Welcome to Hoxford #1: For graduate students who couldn’t spell well enough to get into Oxford. (Code: students who can’t spell = art students)

Merchandise

Chuck Norris 2009 16 Month Wall Calendar: When Chuck Norris gets his own calendar, he can’t be contained to a mere 12 months.

 

So, AA Bought: Final Crisis: Revelations #1, Batman #679, Secret Invasion #5, and Secret Invasion: X-Men #1.

But most importantly is one comic that AA Didn’t buy:

Fables #75: It’s still not coming out. It was originally scheduled to be released July 23, but was pushed back a few weeks, then missed this target release date as well. DC’s Web site now has it coming out on September 6. What’s odd is that this is a book that has rarely, if ever, suffered even slight delays, and now it has an incredibly massive one just in time for its biggest issues ever. I’m starting to accept that it may never come out. Yes, this whole ordeal has left me depressed and more than a little out of touch with sanity. Yes, I sometimes burst into a mixture of tears and profanities in public when the thought of this issue enter my mind. Yes, I’ve gone and looked at my comic collection, seen the empty spoty after Fables #74, proceeded to tear out my pubic hair out of frustration, then ate it with a fine vinegarette sauce. But we shall overcome…

 

And you’ve probably guessed by now, Spiffy isn’t really on a trip, I just took over this column for a week to remind you all that no matter how talentless he is, it can always get worse. And with this post, now you have proof of that.

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2 Responses to “Hey kids, a blog post! 8/13 Comics Recommendations”

  1. Gokitalo Says:

    I don’t even know why you made a list. The only thing that really NEEDS to be on there is the Chuck Norris 2009 16 Month Wall Calendar. And yes, I will always use bold font when referring to the Chuck Norris 2009 16 Month Wall Calendar.

    Supposedly Goki is back and lurking around, but I won’t believe it until I see a new psot from him.

    Ditto. Knew we couldn’t depend on that razzin’ frazzin’…

    Seriously though, I have read a ton of comics since I came back. One of these days, I will pick one and review it.

    think all superheroes should be tiny, like Goki’s penis.

    I was going to get you back, but didn’t. I AM THE BIGGER MAN

    Your Punisher Kills the Marvel Universe comment was brilliant, by the way. And I’m surprised you aren’t liking Astonishing X-Men more; Ellis’ first issue was a slow-burner, but it was worth it for the character interactions.

  2. spiffyithaca Says:

    Shame on you for making fun of BRPD. It’s Hellboy stuff. Hellboy rules.

    Good work all around AA, and you made me look even better when I do it 😉

    Goki, you’re so not the bigger man for laying down and taking that insult instead of responding.

    lol on Clockwork Girl and Screaming Queen follow up, and the Jyu Oh Sei comment. Brilliance.

    I love that Golly is mature rated. I want it.

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